England are not a bad cricket team. They are a good cricket team that can occasionally be a thrilling cricket team. They are also a stubborn, maddening and slow-learning cricket team.
Many of the worst, most painful defeats since Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum took charge have been self-inflicted.
In Wellington in 2023, England made New Zealand follow on, and lost. In the Ashes of the same year, England declared on day one at Edgbaston, then had the benefit of Nathan Lyon limping off Lord’s. They lost both.
The following year, away to India in Rajkot: 224-2 in reply to 445, with Ravichandran Ashwin out of the match to attend a family emergency. England lost. In July of this year, England needed 73 more to pull off a record chase against India at The Oval with Harry Brook and Joe Root at the crease making hundreds. England lost.
It is great the Bazballers have form for backs-to-the-wall run chases, but it’s just as good to win from a position of dominance. Stokes often says he does not like the word “ruthless”. Perhaps it is because his team are not.
The most galling part of this defeat is what it could have done to Australia.
The West Australian newspaper harangued England through Perth airport, called them crybabys, arrogant and cocky. It only took one ropey first-day performance from Australia for the West Australian to turn on them.
Lyon was limping again. There were whispers Australia had picked the wrong team. Knives were out for Usman Khawaja and his dodgy back. Now Khawaja is a national hero for allowing Head to open the batting.
Stand-in captain Steve Smith might have been asked why he had rehearsed a monologue about Monty Panesar’s appearance on Mastermind. Instead he sat at the post-match news conference as a winning skipper, literally slapping Head on the back. It had echoes of eight years ago in Brisbane, when Smith and Cameron Bancroft laughed through the Jonny Bairstow headbutt incident.
Now Australia go to the second Test in Brisbane, played in a day-night format they hardly ever lose. The hosts have the luxury of not rushing Pat Cummins’ return.
Mitchell Starc, 10 wickets in Perth, has wizarding skills with the pink ball Harry Potter would be proud of.
Where do England go from here? They have been beaten so swiftly in Perth they have time to fly home, have a week off, then fly back to Brisbane for a round of golf and the second Test.
Australia bowled out England twice in 67.3 overs in Perth. Not since 1904 have England survived so few deliveries in losing a Test.
Listening to Stokes and McCullum, it appears one place the bulk of the Ashes squad will not be going is Canberra for a two-day pink-ball match between England Lions and the Prime Minister’s XI next weekend. England will rest in Brisbane instead.
The opportunity to tune up under lights will be largely passed in the name of unity and morale. England have only one training session under lights in Brisbane.
It would not be a surprise if England field the same XI in the second Test. The batters will be backed and the five-pronged pace attack looked on to something in the first innings in Perth.