Canon Yvonne Tulloch founded the charity Ataloss after the death of her husband in 2008. As chief executive, she campaigns for more support for those navigating grief.
She said that as a society, we are not good at acknowledging grief – preferring to convince ourselves that we will live until old age; because of this, emotions can be suppressed and come to the fore following high-profile cases.
“We assume it’s next of kin who will be the grievers and, while that is correct, it is not the whole picture.
“There are these ripples, there will be people who will grieve who we wouldn’t assume would be doing so.
“Because we’ve been so poor at understanding grief, what can happen even more is when there is a tragedy that is near to us it makes us think it could have been us – particularly when it involves a child and you’re a parent who can relate to it.”
Tulloch added this can be “confusing” because those removed from a tragedy can feel they do not have a right to grieve.
She said: “Those who helped with the search have done so because they felt helpless. Equally there will be those who did not help and feel they should have done more.
“In most cases people will have made their decision for sensible reasons and you have to release yourself from guilt and realise you did the best you could.”
For the family, there is a balance between appreciating the community support, but not being overwhelmed by it, she said.
“The important thing is not to isolate the family because you do not know what to say.
“People fear saying the wrong thing, but it takes nothing more than acknowledging somebody and saying, ‘I’m so sorry, I just want you to know I care’.
“It can mean even more coming from a stranger.”
Annie Owen, who volunteers at Ipswich and East Suffolk Samaritans, said that in the modern world, the overload of information can anaesthetise people to many tragedies.
“But for this pure innocent child, there is nowhere to put our reactions or our grief,” she said.
Owen said it was important that people do not “beat themselves up” over what they did or did not do.
“So if anybody can find the way of looking at themselves and just thinking, this hurts right now because I’m decent, because I’m caring, because I have a heart. And I think that’s a way of easing ourselves through it.”
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If you, or someone you know, have been affected by child bereavement, details of help and support in the UK are available at Action Line
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