My sister bought my children presents from a charity shop for Christmas. I’m furious but am I wrong to feel angry?
I always go out of my way to buy her kids nice Lego sets or a new doll from the latest Disney movie. Instead, she bought my kids second-hand toys which, frankly, are both unhygienic and cheap.
Christmas comes but once a year – surely she could have planned better to save up to buy them proper presents?
Anon, via email
The obvious driver for her decision to buy your children second-hand toys might be financial hardship or anxiety resulting from uncertainty, writes money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: It sounds to me like your feelings about your sister’s gifts might be touching on deeper emotions that relate to fairness, to giving and receiving in relationships and maybe even some unconscious fears on your part.
Your sister has behaved differently to you and to what you expect from her – and the imbalance as a result you perceive to be unfair.
It might also feel disappointing and hurtful to you if you see her behaviour as a lack of effort or care. However, this may not have been the rationale or intention behind her giving your children second-hand gifts. Let’s consider why she might have made this choice and examine why you might feel such a strong emotional sting.
The obvious driver for her decision might be financial hardship or anxiety resulting from uncertainty.
She might have divided her smaller budget so that she could spend more on your present, thinking that to children, it makes little or no difference if a toy is new or used. And if they are very young, they might end up playing with the packaging more than the actual gift anyway.
Your sister might have put a lot of thought into getting the best second-hand toy she could find or the one that your children would appreciate the most. It could even be that opting for a second-hand toy was driven by a desire to be sustainable. Be open to the possibility that there could be a reasonable explanation behind her choice.
Having considered the possible reasons, and allowing for others to make different choices from our own, turn your thinking to why this has bothered you so much.
Could this be about an old pattern with your sister in which you feel she always takes the ‘easy option’ and you feel angry or even envious that she gets away with doing or giving less?
Having considered the possible reasons, and allowing for others to make different choices from our own, turn your thinking to why this has bothered you so much, says Vicky, pictured
You might have found yourself thinking, ‘This is so TYPICAL of her!’ In other words, the ‘cheap’ present is a symbol of how in other areas of life she gets away with doing the minimum and your anger about this has been building up.
Could this be hooking into an unconscious fear in you of exploitation? Do you at some level carry a grudge that in relationships you are always the one who gives more than they receive? You might tend to overreact in situations where you interpret a possibility of feeling somehow cheated or taken advantage of.
Or simply, your sister might consistently be spending much less than you have on presents and this has been getting on your nerves and needs addressing.
While we need to accept that people are different in what they value spending money on and what parameters they set around what is too much or too little, you can approach her in a calm and gentle tone and express your curiosity about why she bought second-hand toys for Christmas this year.
Perhaps say, ‘I wonder why you opted for second-hand presents this year,’ and see if her answer reassures you that it isn’t a lack of care or effort. It might be that she has a different view on how much should be spent on kids and that she doesn’t have the same concerns about hygiene that you do.
We don’t all have to think the same way but you still have a choice about how you will handle the imbalance next year. You can ask her if she wouldn’t mind spending the same amount but on a smaller new gift, or you can lower your budget to address the imbalance.
There are subtle dynamics that get expressed through our choice of gifts – you might still be left thinking ‘she did it on purpose’ or ‘she wanted to disappoint me’, and if that’s the case you can reflect on the wider dynamics of the relationship. Was this an expression of anger, or of her unconscious envy of you?
These dynamics might be played out without our full awareness and sometimes without an intention to hurt the other. Maybe Christmas isn’t the best time to unearth painful longstanding sibling dynamics. Because alongside those, there usually is love too. And Christmas is about is about connection and love.
While it’s okay to feel disappointed, focusing on the bigger picture (the joy and effort behind Christmas) can bring peace to family situations such as this.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
